The Throne
Room,
Camelot Castle,
Britain.
15th
December
Dear Sir Varlan,
I was very pleased
to receive the package that was delivered to me yesterday by your
servant. Pleased, because I thought that it would contain the
Hallows Spear that you had informed me you’d recovered from
the palace of the Fisher King.
Imagine my surprise
when I opened the bundle to find the Hallows Spear in two distinct
pieces. I checked the package for any ‘easy assembly’
instructions and, having found none, I could only presume that
you had botched the job.
This was confirmed
after a chat to your servant (who was really quite talkative after
an hour or two inside the castle dungeon) who informed me that
it was, in fact, your fault that I am now the proud owner of the
Holy Broken Spear.
Your servant has
told of how you accepted a dinner invitation at the Fisher King’s
palace. Once there you got involved in a fight with another knight.
Yes, I know that he was calling you names and all that, but you
know by now what to do in that instance. That’s right, you
should tell the King and he will sort it out so that you aren’t
the one getting into trouble.
I have warned you
many times about letting other people distract you when you’re
meant to be concentrating on your knightly duties. Only last week
you were sitting at the Round Table flicking peas at Sir Lancelot
because he had said that your shield looked a bit ‘girlie’.
And I can also
remember telling you that you should always listen carefully to
your king and other kings when they are talking. What do I hear
that you’ve done? That’s right. Not listened to the
Fisher King. And you wonder why I keep getting upset? It’s
not as if these were my rules. We’d all decided them
together when we set up the Round Table.
So, you go to stab
this other knight with a spear that you just happened to find
lying around in the Fisher King’s castle (might I suggest
that you actually might have tried to read the notice by the spear
that said, ‘Here is the holy spear. Please handle with care.’)
Your kind host the Fisher King said, "Oh no! Don’t use
that spear!" What did you do? Yes, you used the spear. Cue
blinding white light, a bumpy landing back by the river (where
you met the Fisher King), and a spear with twice as many parts
as originally intended by its inventors.
At least, I suppose,
you haven’t tried to cover up what happened unlike old Lance
and Gawain did with that Holy Grail business last year. What exactly,
though, do you think I can accomplish with the spear in its current
state? Do you really think I can brandish it at my enemies shouting,
‘Begone for I have the Hallows Spear? Erm… could you
just ignore the fact that it’s broken?’ They would laugh
in my face.
Laughing isn’t
something that I fancy doing at the moment. Just make sure you
don’t show your face around my Round Table again. Your replacement,
Sir Mildred, might be a girl but at least she knows how to keep
something in one piece.
Yours sincerely,
H.R.H. Arthur,
Rightful King of All Britain.
